Wednesday, May 29, 2002


My pics from China are up, captions included. The links are in the pictures section.

9:51 PM . . .

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Tuesday, May 28, 2002


From MSNBC News:

"There are other studies that look at the length and duration of viagra's affects . . ."

I understand length and duration, but what other studies can you do? Most girls say that it's either one or the other that counts.

3:57 AM . . .

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Sunday, May 26, 2002


In reference to the previous post, I turned down some sex this weekend. In the situation that I was in, it wouldn't have been prudent to enter into the relationship. This is for two reasons: I didn't feel the same way about her as she did about me and it was plainly obvious that even in the short run, the liasons would've given me more headaches than they were worth.

Actually, it was just for the first reason; the second is a postulate to the first. In this case, I was getting calls and e-mails pledging outrageous claims of devotion at all hours of the day and night. There would be no way that I would (or that I would want to) live up to any expectations that this girl had of what I was to her. Plus, this cannot be good when I am looking to leave this continent in a month unattached.

I see this as doing something right. I can't understand why this is right because this goes against many things I've done before. There have been girls at points in my life where I couldn't care for them one bit. For example: If I was more than four hours away from their funeral, I'd probably miss it (there are also a couple that I'd miss if their service was five minutes long at the church I saw every day on my daily commute). This might be the first time I really sacrifice physical pleasures so I don't cause someone else emotional strife.

Gonads and Strife. They'll get you every time.

9:41 PM . . .

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Saturday, May 25, 2002


It's a lot easier to make the right decision when you're not thinking with your penis.

1:45 AM . . .

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Thursday, May 23, 2002


Me : The guy at the restaurant on the corner just assaulted me
Curt : What?
Curt : Get out
Me : He said he wanted to be friends
Me : So I said "OK, we are friends."
Me : Whatever
Me : And then he grabbed my leg
Curt : WHOA! Uhhhhh
Me : I was like, outta here pal. Now.
Curt : You gotta punch that jerkoff in the face and run as fast as you can
Curt : That's just nuts
Me : I have had dinner with him before; he's the owner
Me : This time, he came to the restaurant all drunk
Me : His wife was there . . . I got the impression that she wasn't too happy about it
Me : No shit she's not happy if he hangs around touching dudes after he's had a few
Curt : HA! Seriously. That is ridiculous.
Curt : They speak english?
Me : No, but I made the motions. She understood
Curt : You learning some Chinese now or what?
Me : Yi dian dian
Me : That means "a little"
Curt : Pretty good
Curt : But you better learn "I'm not gay" real quick

3:40 AM . . .

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Monday, May 20, 2002


Some Interesting Public Service announcements on Pearl (English-language channel out of Hong Kong):

-Please do not traffic endangered-species through Hong Kong without a license

-Support filming in your community

-Methadone treatment aims to reduce harm and help reintegrate rehabilitated drug users into society

-The Women's Commission aims to fix the due status of women!

-Telecom competition is good for everyone! Enrich your living; gain access to new telecommunications services

-The Geotechnical Engineering office reminds you not to ignore landslide warnings and not to drive in hilly areas when the warnings are in effect

-Remember the good cat logic! (Ad shows old and young cats hunting mice) When recruiting, it's not age that matters, it's how well the job is done that counts.

-Learn Basic Law: Athletes may enter international competitions using the name Hong Kong, China and win honors for Hong Kong.

-Those who have left the penal system have worked hard to earn back their place in society. Please support and hire rehabilitated offenders!

The Hong Kong government shown here peddling the services of criminals to foreigners who are far too intelligent to fall for this frail attempt at a crime prevention program. "Please! We don't want to pay for their incarceration any more! Give these low-lifes a job to keep them from stealing your stuff." I wonder if they think any of these ads work?

7:56 AM . . .

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Saturday, May 18, 2002


Dear Patrick,

Long time reader, first time e-mailer . . . Love the site, really; it's great. I was just writing in because I wanted to know if you could help me out with a problem that I have. I have nipple hair. Just nipple hair, no chest hair. Picture this, if my nipples were eyeballs, they'd be fully surrounded by a bushy, black eyebrow. My girlfriend doesn't seem to mind, but I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right! HELP!



Dear DMAN,

There are a couple things you could do in this situation.

#1: Acceptance - You could start with some counseling on your situation and grow to understand that nipple hair is just a part of who the true "DMAN" really is. Be content with your nipple hair and learn to love it! You're one of God's unique creatures and you should be proud of who you are! After you're through counseling, you could get some soul food from Oprah's book club to keep your spirits high and maybe buy a "Happy to be me" Barbie doll to keep you company through those rough spots we all have some times!

#2: Removal - There are only two ways to think of this: "It's just nipple hair," and "For Christ's sake, man! Those are huge unsightly tufts of thick black nipple hair!" A girl trying to get through there would be more likely to shout "Doctor Livingston, I presume" than give it a lick. And it's not like this is going to take a gargantuan effort on your part, either. You won't have to walk to Subway every day for two years; it's as simple as a foray into CVS' hair removal product section. Here are a couple ideas: Mach 3, scissors, trimmers, weedwhackers, Nair, Epil-Stop, Igia, Electrolysis, or any combination of those remedies. Just get it off, man. Do what you gotta do to get rid of it!

Whichever alternative you choose, you are guaranteed to lead a happier, more fulfilled life and will be well on your way to self-actualization, enlightenment and total consciousness. So you'll have that goin' for you . . . which is nice.

Til next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

7:53 PM . . .

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I really wanted Samuel L. to bring out the old "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities and the tyranny or evil men . . ." monologue, but it never happened. Despite this glaring omission, Mr. Lucas' Attack of the Clones is already being praised by many as the best movie in the Star Wars series, and I couldn't agree more.

This article is a good read on why the Empire is the shepherd and the rebels are the evil men. If you haven't seen Episode II, this isn't a spoiler.

7:00 PM . . .

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Today I saw a father and three of his children on a bicycle. A single bicycle. On a VERY busy street.

Two girls (each around six years of age) were sitting behind him on the rack in the back, and his three year-old son was sitting on the handlebars with his feet in the wire-mesh basket among bags of vegetables they had purchased at the market. At the particularly confusing intersection where I saw him, he was trying to turn left from the completely opposite side of the road. As I passed him (at a normal, non-threatening speed) and saw this, I wanted to stop and berate him for being such an irresponsible father and demonstrating such poor judgment to his children (couldn't; language barrier). As I sat here writing this, I started to think that it might be better if a truck ran over the lot of them, hoping that it might save three families from similar fates twenty-five or so years from now.

4:06 AM . . .

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Friday, May 17, 2002


When I leave my apartment every morning, I have to walk under ten to fifteen cloth diapers drying on a clothesline. There's just no comparison to the feeling you get when you start your day by running a dripping gauntlet of E. Coli.

2:44 AM . . .

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Check out the city project. Pictures of random cities around the world. I submitted a couple shots of Bejing and Nanhai after I photoshopped 'em up real nice.

2:27 AM . . .

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Wednesday, May 15, 2002


A few of my thoughts on religion:

I want to know . . . what did people fight over before there was religion, anyway? Maybe people used to get mad because someone took their land or stole their goat. Now, for the last 2,500 years or so, people have been fighting because they thought they had the divine right (hover aside) to that same land or they thought they were doing good by trying to make people worship their goat because worshipping him was the only true path to heaven or nirvana or the land of honey and virgins.

The tower of babel is a perfect metaphor for the information age. We're not trying to reach heaven, we're just trying to make a heaven-on-Earth by making life as hassle-free as possible. Every invention, every idea is a brick in this monolith. The best part about it is that the workers have finally settled on the universal language of HTML.

Religion is already playing a lesser role in our collective lives. Did you know that the Christian churches in America are having problems luring men to a life under the cloth and one of the reasons is because most of the former members of the clergy were gay? Now that it's OK to be gay in America, less people are feeling the need to commit to a life of celibacy in order to hide their true feelings for their *ahem* fellow man.

As long as you're kind to others and have good intentions, you'll tread whatever good path there is after death.

Now if you'll be so kind as to excuse me, I am going to go to a bunch of religious blogs and comment. I'll just tell them "I'm not saved" and the hits will rain from the sky like manna.

11:22 PM . . .

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All you kids who grew up on the good old 8-bit NES, check this out. I scored 12/15 (I have only played Battletoads and Kung Fu a couple of times each and have never even even seen Bionic Commando).

7:43 PM . . .

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Tuesday, May 14, 2002


A couple of weeks ago, my I asked my students to write about one of their dreams. I just got around to correcting them, and they're freakin' hilarious. Here are some excerpts:

I was afraid when the snakes appeared in my brain, but when I have eaten them for dinner, I have never been scared of them and I thought they were delicious.

(From one of my male students) Oh! The man is touching me! I don't like it! I try to move but I can't . . . I try to scream but no words come out!

A thick fog filled the classroom and everyone fainted except me. My teachers came in and they turned into monsters and bit everyone's heads off.

I went to a different country with different customs where everyone was dressed like ancient Arabs. They caputred me and brought me to get my head cut off because they said I was in the country illegally.

David Beckham saw me and invited me for a romantic walk around a river. I thought we had fallen in love with each other . . . We sat down and chatted happily, and suddenly, he showed an ugly face to me and shoved me into the river!

What's that? The color is red and it has a lot of feet . . . OH! It is a centipede! It is the most beautiful centipede I have ever seen!

There was an animal in my bed. My roommate caught it and set it free. She said when she was young she played with them. We teased her and called the animal her sister.

On my trip to America, I was very tired and hungry. A man saw me and invited me to his home. I was treated very well by him and his servants. At last I know he is Bush George.

I was captured by terrible savages, they threatened to kill me unless I could dream.

I can't help but to think that those terrible savages may have been the personification of the evil teacher asking her to do this assignment.

7:00 AM . . .

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Monday, May 13, 2002



11:59 PM . . .

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Last night I dreamt that I was so profoundly in love that my girlfriend and I got married immediately. I woke up from a night's sleep (this is still in my dream, mind you) and thought "Oh my GOD! MARRIED? What have I done!? Now I owe Jake that twelve pack I bet him on who'd be first!"

I bolted upright in my bed and thought to myself, "I can't say that this is the first time I've woke up satisfied to find the other half of my bed empty."

To this point I've been a classic serial monogamist. It's not that I'm commitment phobic, I just get bored easily.

12:20 AM . . .

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Sunday, May 12, 2002


From Yahoo News:

Mafia boss "Joey Bananas," who retired to Arizona in 1968 died at age 97 of heart failure, said his attorney, Alfred "Skip" Donau. (Skip) said Bonanno died peacefully surrounded by his family.

Surrounded by his family, huh? Sounds like foul play to me.

5:53 AM . . .

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Saturday, May 11, 2002


The following link is long but fascinating. Every sentence I read made me think; "No, his people can't possibly think that! They LOVE him over there!"

The guy being interviewed seems to have done his research on the subject, and I don't doubt that a lot of this is true. If you're interested in the everpresent situation in the Middle East and insights into why some fanatical proponents of Islam (actually, all fanatical religious figures) are completely fucking our world up, check out Behind the Tyrant: Saddam Hussein.

7:05 AM . . .

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Friday, May 10, 2002


Her: My friend is pissed at me because I was supposed to go tubing today. I wanted to, but I didn't wake up
Her: She thinks I did it to make her mad
Me: Why would you want to miss tubing?
Her: REALLY! Beer. River. Sun. Why would I not be there?
Her: She apparently called this morning and thought I was avoiding her by not answering
Me: She's retarded; tubing rocks
Her: It does, but whatever; I told her I was sorry. I don't know what she wants from me
Her: Do they have milkshakes in China?
Me: Yeah, but they don't call them shakes
Me: They call them partially gelatinous non-dairy gum-based beverages
Her: Mmmmmm, sounds tasty!
Her: So I have to go for a friendship milkshake now
Me: What the hell is that?
Her: It's a milkshake I am buying so Erin won't be mad at me about tubing
Me: I got ya. I guess my friends just don't need as much stroking
Her: Yeah, well, boys are weird. They punch each other and then like fall down laughing
Her: Sometimes farting is like better than an apology

4:22 AM . . .

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Thursday, May 09, 2002


Today when I was driving my moped, a cab came about three inches away from sending me onto the pavement.

And, yes mom; I'll be careful.

4:15 AM . . .

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Tuesday, May 07, 2002


Some random links:

I have GOT to get me one of THESE!


A fun game called RED HOT FORK! You have to look for it on the page.

9:20 AM . . .

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I picked-up my pictures from travels thus far in China today. I waited at the FujiFilm store while assorted workers spent a full hour looking for my PhotoCDs. I sat in a chair for 59 minutes while the employees in the store told me they had accidentally erased two-hundred and fifty memories.

It cost me $40 and an hour of despair to bring you gorgeous shots from China like these.

6:54 AM . . .

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Thursday, May 02, 2002


Security in Shanghai is pretty lax compared to the rest of China. Yesterday, I biked into a restricted area where the huge neon signs that border the river are, and last night, some rich high school girls took me and my hostel friends up to the roof of the second tallest building on this side of the river after good number of drinks at the bar.

On a related note, I need some money to buy a digital camera. Anyone want to buy one of these?

11:47 PM . . .

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Wednesday, May 01, 2002


Last night in a bar, I licked a girl's nipple.

She was talking to one of the guys I know from the Teach In China program, and I asked him how the lick came to pass. He didn't remember, but he did remember her saying this about it:

"Well at first I was shocked of course, and a bit angry; but it kind of turned me on."

7:19 AM . . .

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Thanks for ridin' the