Tuesday, December 31, 2002


 

I'M PRE-APPROVED FOR A CHASE PLATINUM VISA! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!!!


3:42 PM . . .



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Today, I was driving around looking for a place to fix my car, since I need a distributor cap and spark plugs switched out before it rains tomorrow. Most people in my situation would buy a new car if it was pretty much totaled didn't start in the rain, but DZ has been true to me, so I treat the car with the respect and dignity it had once deserved. I get to (big chain automotive store), and the service attendant there is a pretty friendly guy. We're talking for a while and he insists that he's got no one to put on the job and that I should bring it in tomorrow, but after I explain to him why that's not an option, he nods his head in thought, grabs a business card and scrawls a phone number and "$30" on it.

"Call me at 7:00," he says, "Now walk out the door and don't say a word."

I feel like I'm in a spy flick;

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to show up at this address at 7:00 where a man will approach you with a wrench and screwdriver and fix your distributor. He will ask you a question and you will respond by saying, "We bought an old house on the Danforth." This business card will self-destruct in five seconds.
Maybe I should space out my next viewing of 24.


1:58 PM . . .



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Where can you dip your balls in $240 wortha puddin?

Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby . . .


12:02 PM . . .



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I just realized that The Old Apartment was a song about an ex-boyfriend breaking into his ex-girlfriend's house. I think I'm the only one that took this long to figure this out.

Aside to all my ex-girlfriends; Don't worry, I'm not planning on breaking into your house.


7:35 AM . . .



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Monday, December 30, 2002


 

Let's see . . . What did I do this weekend? I'll make a list:

- Watched 24
Yeah, that about sums it up.


7:48 AM . . .



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Tuesday, December 24, 2002


 

What do we have here . . . Animal dildos? The most interesting one by far is the THOR horse penis, of course.

But wait, it gets better . . . The customer appreciation section is pure internet gold. Here's a quote:
I like the design and feel of the racoon cock, but the curve is a bit much for me to take the whole thing, but I'll keep trying ;)
What's with the emoticon there? Anybody?


10:22 PM . . .



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Merry freakin' Christmas, ya morons!


9:59 PM . . .



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Saturday, December 21, 2002


 

Two guys and a girl at a bar:

Guy 1 : I like that lugz commercial; it's like he's tagging the whole city with his moves.
Guy 2 : Naww, I don't like it, it doesn't make you want to buy the shoes.
Girl : I thought it was good. It got my attention.
Guy 2 : Well getting attention is one thing, and making you want to buy something is another.
Girl : So the commercial didn't make you want to buy the shoes . . .
Guy 1 : But the next time I'm shoe shopping I'll consider buying them.
Guy 2 : You gotta see my point here. OK, check out this Burger King commericial - Flame broiled goodness in your face.
Girl : It's good product placement. Definitely appealing.
Guy 2 : Now doesn't that make you want to buy the Whopper more than the shoes?
Guy 1 : Look, I'm not in a fucking shopping mall; we just got high.
Girl : Yeah. Hitting your target audience is everything.


8:00 PM . . .



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Thursday, December 19, 2002


 

If you thought the hundreds of kids you saw walking around with the bleached faux mohawk were cool, you're going to love the new style.

If you didn't see hundreds of kids with bleached faux mohawks, you didn't get out much this summer.


6:09 AM . . .



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Wednesday, December 18, 2002


 

My mom is giving me these lessons for Christmas. Hopefully, this will help me find some direction . . . find out what I'm going to do after finance.


8:20 PM . . .



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Sammy : The notorious DLM made a stop by my site to leave some words of bile and vitriol.
Me : Ree Hee Heaaaaaaaly
Me : Link me?
Sammy : Here ya go. Oh yeah, she e-mailed me and I posted that, too
Me : HA!
Me : Touche, my good man. Touche, indeed!
Sammy : Just when I think the meme is dying, it's resurrected again!
Me : How come the pics came down?
Sammy : I'm guessing that she's made more vague legal threats to the guys who ran that site.
Me : Yeah, I'd like to know about them . . . I think it'd be funny to hear what she told them
Sammy : I guess I'll just have to e-mail the site and get the 411.
Me : I'm doing that as we speak . . .
Me : I like when she comments on South Beach, "I'm sure there are pictures out there . . . but not like these ones. They are actually much nicer"
Me : Pretty much saying, "Those aren't my boobs, but I'm sure that my boobs are somewhere on the net, just not here, and with my name plastered all over them."
Sammy : Danica in Girls Gone Wild Volume XVII!
Me : That was no PhotoShop job, those had to be hers . . .
Sammy : Yeah, well, I think that I'm going to have to fire up PhotoShop to have some fun with this one.
Me : Fark Danica's boobs?
Sammy : Exactly.


6:08 PM . . .



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I just learned that Lil' Romeo raped my childhood.


8:25 AM . . .



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Saturday, December 14, 2002


 

Awwwwww YEAH! I gots me a poll up now. Vote, y'all beehotches!


10:36 PM . . .



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the only words I can muster are disturbingly hilarious.


9:11 AM . . .



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Yesterday, DZ NUTZ died on me. Actually, it was already dead when I got there, It just wouldn't start. Now I can imagine plenty of things worse than having to return from a flight and finding your car undrivable, but can imagine how bad it - wait a second.

I'm thinking for a second about the "horrendous" night I had last night, and it doesn't add up. I got the bus back to the terminal, threw the cab fare on the corporate card, and slept in a warm bed. And today, I have enough money to go out and buy a car to replace my dead one . . . What the fuck was I going to complain about? I lead a chamed freakin' life.

So what's worse than my night last night?

- Getting off the $750 round-trip flight and learning that the reason you flew all the way to DC was to have your significant other break up with you because she thought doing it over the phone would be "too impersonal."

- Working your custodial services job for 12 hours straight, since you're doing overtime to save some money so your kids will have Christmas this year, and then finding that all that OT won't matter as you start thinking about all the money you're going to spend on towing and repairs (because your car won't start).

- Wondering why you just buzzed the Empire State Building
Am I right?

This morning, I just made myself the most wonderful breakfast burrito ever. I'm full. I'm warm. I'm happy.

Perspective is a wonderful thing sometimes. Today, I'm going to get a new car, and I'm going to be whistling all the way.


8:37 AM . . .



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Friday, December 13, 2002


 

Yeah, exactly.


9:28 AM . . .



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Tuesday, December 10, 2002


 

OK. I'll admit it. I'm following the whole Ellen thing. If you don't know anything about the overnight sensation that is Ellen Feiss, go here. This is the ad that started it all. It even spawned a Foxtrot.


8:18 AM . . .



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Monday, December 09, 2002


 

Pearls of wisdom from our friend, John Madden:

"The Bears . . . They have to address their quarterback situation, and I don't think it can be addressed by any of the guys they got in there right now."


7:02 PM . . .



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Sunday, December 08, 2002


 

Dude. Star Wars, dude. Check it out. Seriously, dude.


8:14 PM . . .



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Friday, December 06, 2002


 

Yesterday at work, Hilary came downstairs and was regaling me with a story she heard from one of her best friends. Before we start, I need to write a preface. The girl writing the following e-mail is the friend's sister. The friend has her head screwed on straight, but her sister might as well be on Springer. She's a lesbian with a baby and a husband. A husband who likes lesbians (obviously). I can't remember what her and her husband's jobs were or where they lived . . .he's not a mechanic and they don't live in a trailer park, but it was something like that. Without further ado:

Me and Chris aren't doing too good. You know the rest of the stuff he did, well this was the final straw . . . Saturday he went to work at 7am, and at 3 he went strait to the bar with the 2 lesbians (who like him alot and rub their tits on him) and stayed there until 7 or 8 (5 HOURS) then went to their house. He came home at 12 (gone 17 HOURS with me not knowing where) and then he try to lie about being at the bar the whole time (except I got a sitter and went to the bar they go to and there was no Chris and no lesbos) then he finally told me he was at their house watching movies (for 5 HOURS) and fell asleep. FELL A SLEEP I would be stupid to let this one slide, you know him and lesbos. So saturday I made him sleep on the couch and he was an asshole all sunday claiming he did nothing wrong and would do it again if he wanted to. Fuck that shit. I made him wash his own laundry and told him pack his bags and that we were separating until he was ready to be a responsible husband and father and I got 4 bags down and he packed them. I said he could sleep on the couch but when he left for work that was it. The only time he was allowed here was from 6-9 pm to see his daughter for at least a week. So he left and then called here after work to see if I really wanted him gone. I said "Yes, I kicked you out" So he was like "Fine" and I was like "whatever, go hang out with your lesbos" so who knows where he is. He just bought a van with a bed so he can sleep there. Well thats my story. I'll talk to you later.
If I was a journalist, I'd have run out of (sic) halfway through this letter.


2:48 PM . . .



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Thursday, December 05, 2002


 

You know what I hate? This pattern. It's fucking EVERYWHERE! Who decided all the sudden that Burberry was the thing to wear? Enough already!

The thing is, unless you live in or near a metropolitan area, you're not going to have a clue what I'm talking about. You'll think that I'm nuts. You'll try and tell me something like, "Dude, it's just a scarf."

Oh yeah? Well if it's not the virus infecting the necks of our women that I claim it to be, tell me why the company that owns the patent on the pattern has this statement one click away from their start page?

Not so tough anymore with your non-anti-Burberry ideology. It's out there. And you thought it was just a scarf . . . Please.

Go to Google, and you get this. There are SIX different companies paying every single time someone looks at or clicks on those highlighted links! All for the word "Burberry." Click on the Neiman Marcus link! It costs their company money and benefits one of my favorites. Soon enough, Neiman Marcus' marketing will notice that their clickthrough/online buyer percentage is going down for that search, they will stop sponsoring the ad, the fashion will fall out of vogue, and Burberry will be put to shame! I'll link to it, sure . . . What are you gonna buy there? Surely these items will tickle that fancy of yours:

"You probably use your cellphone several times a day, so why not carry it in a stylish case? This instantly recognizable print is the signature of this century-old English firm. Seen on everything from bikinis to scarves, it's the chicest check around.
"
"Pamper your pooch with a classic—a Burberry reversible classic check blanket. Fringe adds another trendy touch for your style-setting dog. "
You can gets all yo' bitches sumpin' from Burberry this X-Mas. Something every girlfriend and man's best friend with a mundane sense of style and a bent on conformity will absolutely love!


4:23 PM . . .



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The fine art of the booty call.

And if any of you DC ladies were interested in this sort of rendezvous, you could probably e-mail me if the urge arose . . . because I'll be sitting in front of the computer at the proper booty call time anyway . . . because I am a huge dork.


11:14 AM . . .



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Visit the Matrix: Reloaded site. Download some wallpaper . . . Check the trailer.

Who wants to help me write the prequels?


9:48 AM . . .



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Oh Sammy, Sammy Sammy . . . Thanks to you, we have yet another chapter in the Danica saga. And lo and behold, my comments are working again! Just in time, I might add.

Thanks to the miracles of modern technology, the topless pics are now shared by someone else (link on Sammy's page). Word spreads quickly around the small RPI campus! How quickly, did you ask? Well, check out these percentages!


8:07 AM . . .



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Wednesday, December 04, 2002


 

A guy at my work today said as I passed him, "Yeah. I'm at work. Still. And I'm not going to be home for a LONG time."



6:41 PM . . .



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Sunday, December 01, 2002


 

If you've been watching the Sopranos, there were many scenes where Carmela interacted with Furio. Carmela, being the Boss' wife, and Furio, the Boss' henchman, had a forbidden "relationship" over the course of the season that was supposed to culminate in some action.

Unfortunately, this didn't happen.

In response to this, I am scripting a class-action lawsuit citing defendants David Chase (the producer) and the AOL Time Warner Corporation (owners of HBO) claiming that said defendants are guilty of gross negligence in the performance of their duty to provide quality entertainment to the Plaintiffs, we Sopranos viewers. Thus far, the suit states that the accused has stripped the plaintiffs of a a certain number of televison viewing hours. Hours that were spent in the buildup of a plot line that had an insufficient denoument.

If you wish to join this lawsuit, please send me an e-mail.

Now I don't want money from HBO, no. I just want them to look at what they did and make sure it never happens again. If I can save one person from watching one more minute of useless plot buildup that goes nowhere, I'd call it a success.


8:10 PM . . .



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Thanks for ridin' the